When Brother Nelson came up to Nick and I a few weeks ago to
ask us to speak in sacrament, we agreed, of course. When he
told us the assigned talks and topics were about parenting, Nick
looked at me and asked, “does he hate us?” Nick knew that we
were in for a doozy of the next two weeks, that we were going to
be humbled constantly, and that we were going to second-guess
every little parenting decision we made. And we did. And it was
hard. So you are welcome, we saved y’all from that.
I don’t have all the answers, and many more of you in this
audience have more experience and have been doing it longer
than I have. But, just like each testimony is unique and personal,
our earthly parenting journeys are unique and personal. All I
want to do today, all I want to share today, is what I have learned
to be important about parenting for me these last two decades.
Brother Nelson gave us two particular recent general conference
talks to reference as we were working on our talks. They were:
“Divine Parenting Lessons” by Valeri Cordon and “The Prodigal
and the Road that Leads Home” by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf. To
be completely honest and vulnerable, I sometimes struggle
giving a talk based off of another talk. I feel like they already
did an amazing job of communicating their thoughts and
inspirations from the Spirit, and that I would be a poor substitute
and synthesizer of their words. Thankfully, my husband, the
wonderful math nerd that he is, reminded me that I could be a
tangent. That is, when speaking mathematically, a tangent is a
straight line that touches a curve or curved surface at a point, but
if extended does not cross it at that point. So, while I am going
to touch on these talks topically, I will not be repeating them
since they are wonderful the way they are.
I will share a little bit from one of my favorite talks ever, which
was given by Francine R. Bennion, and it is entitled, “A
Latter-day Saint Theology of Suffering.” You can find this talk
in the Gospel Library, in the book At the Pulpit: 185 years of
Discourses by Latter-day Saint Women. In it, she relates this
story about when she was teaching a class at BYU.
“A group of BYU Honors students was discussing Voltaire and
“the best of all possible worlds.”
“Tell me,” I said, “what you consider to be the best of all
possible worlds.”
“It would be like the celestial kingdom.”
“What is that like?”
“Well, there won’t be problems like we have here.”
“What kind of problems?”
“Well, for one thing, everyone will be—happy. There won’t be
any unkindness. No one there will be rejected or abused, or
laughed at, or ignored.”
“Oh,” I said. “Are you suggesting that God experiences none of
these things now?”
And then there was silence, for a moment.
In wanting to get to the celestial kingdom, these students had
more awareness of traditional struggle-free utopias than of our
own God and our own world. The celestial kingdom was a place
to get away from suffering, not a place to understand it and
address it in ways consistent with joy and love and agency.”
We will suffer in this life. We will also have joy in this life.
Parenting, to me, sometimes goes back and forth between the
two. Sometimes, even in the course of the same day. If we are to
become like our Heavenly Parents, the ultimate parents, we have
to learn how to parent in ways that are consistent with joy, love,
and agency.
Agency
When I became a parent, I finally understood Satan’s plan. How
easy would it be to just make my kids do what is right, and not
have to worry about them choosing things that can lead to pain?
Like, I really love my kids, and if I could, I would spare them
from the pain that happens in this life.
I saw this in my husband. When our kids were younger, he was
so excited to teach them the lessons that he learned from the
hard experiences that he had gone through. He thought that if he
could just tell them what he learned, and if he shared it with love
and earnestness, which he did, then our kids could be spared
from the ache and challenges he went through. But life does not
work that way. We were sent here to earth to experience, and
through our experiences learn and become. Our lessons we
learned were our lessons, and we learned them from doing. Our
kids, though they sometimes can learn from listening, also learn
from doing. And so we must allow them the opportunity to do
so.
I grew up in the 80s and 90s. One of my favorite church books
as a child was “My Turn on Earth,” and they even turned it into
a musical. My mom would sing me the song “Angel Lullaby”
when I was younger, and I even sang it to my boys too when
they were little. I listened to the music throughout my childhood,
and yes, though sometimes it was cheesy in the wonderful way
that musicals can be cheesy, the words did enter into my
consciousness. In the beginning of the musical there is a song
called “I Have a Plan,” and it is almost a retelling/imagining of
the council in Heaven when both our brother Lucifer and our
Savior Jesus Christ presented their plans. Satan talks about how
his plan would save everyone, and that everyone would be safe,
and that Jesus’s plan could involve pain, war, temptations and
perhaps even bloodshed. That everyone would make it home,
and that it would be easy. But then Jesus presented his plan, and
very simply and clearly said, “I cannot promise you the same.
It’s true that if you follow me, there will be dangers and
difficulties, perhaps even war and bloodshed. For you will be
free to choose them if you wish. I cannot do everything for you,
no one can, no one should. For the most precious gift we have
been given next to life itself, is the power to direct that life. We
must have the opportunity to choose, and there must be the
possibility of wrong choices. To discover the powers that are
within us, and not look continually to someone else. To use our
own free agency. This is growth, and growth must be.”
We must honor the agency of our children, and understand that
their choices are their choices, and not ours. Our role as parents
is to teach, share, protect, guide, and especially to love while
also honoring free agency.
Now, this doesn’t mean that if my five year old wants to go to
school naked I should allow this. No, there are still times when
we have to parent, and we are bound by rules, laws and
consequences. But I do look for the “yeses” of parenting. I try to
honor my kids’ agency, while also honoring my beliefs and
agency. It is tricky, and I am grateful that we are not left alone
through this. We have the comforting guidance of the Holy
Spirit to help guide us through this process.
Revelation
I know I have shared this story before, but I thought it was
fitting again. In October of 2012, our family was in the process
of moving away from our little safe haven Village known as
married housing at the University of Utah. We had lived there
for three years while Nick was pursuing a doctorate, and loved
it. But, we were leaving the nest and Nick was beginning his
employment in Provo, and we were packing up our apartment to
move into our rental home. That General Conference was a little
scattered as we were in the midst of all this upheaval.
Then an announcement was made that the Church was lowering
the age requirement for missionary service. And, I don’t know if
it was because I was pregnant with Rosie at the time, but I just
started sobbing. I remember Nick looking over at me like I was
crazy, not comprehending my reaction at all. I did manage to get
out the words “But that means I only have ten more years to
prepare Jacob - I thought I had eleven! We lost a year! How are
we going to teach him everything he needs to know?”
Thankfully, I know that I do not have to teach my children
everything. My life has been blessed by the adults and people in
my children’s lives that love and teach them. A YW leader, a
primary teacher, a teacher at school, good friends - all of these
people have been teachers in my children’s lives, and we have
been the richer for it.
But, I am also grateful for the best teacher - the Spirit of
Revelation. If we can teach our children to trust that still, small
voice in their hearts, and to listen to it, to follow through with
the promptings, and to share it, then we do not have to worry
about teaching our children everything - I can rely on the Spirit
to help teach them. Julie B. Beck said, “We are told to put our
trust in that Spirit which leads us “to do justly, to walk humbly,
to judge righteously.” We are also told that this Spirit will
enlighten our minds, fill our souls with joy, and help us know all
things we should do. Promised personal revelation comes when
we ask for it, prepare for it, and go forward in faith, trusting that
it will be poured out upon us.” This is such a great comfort,
especially as my children grow older and leave our home.
Ask questions/be curious
I started a new job at BYU this past summer. I am the
communications director in the Integrity and Compliance Office.
Many people hear that and think, “oh, honor code office.” Nope.
We are different. My office primarily has two important
functions at BYU - we manage, host, and help develop
university-wide policies at BYU and we host the compliance
hotline, so people can report, even anonymously, anything that
may be suspicious, dangerous or illegal that they see on campus.
We will make sure that the proper people find out about it and
investigate it. Our goal is to make BYU the best possible place it
can be, while also being safe and in compliance with federal,
state and university policies.
On Friday I had the opportunity to attend a conference with my
co-workers up in SLC. We attended the Moral and Ethical
Leadership conference put on by the BYU Management Society.
It was a great conference - we got to hear from different leaders
about the importance of morality and ethics in leadership, and
how we can develop and inspire them. I was struck with how
many of the principles applied to parenting.
One of the speakers, Boyd Matheson, said that instant certainty
is the enemy of truth, and it undermines trust. Thus, it is
important for us to be curious. If you must speak, ask a question
and be willing to listen to the response. How many times do we
have a conversation with our children, and we stop listening
because we think we know what they are going to say? When
we ask questions, do we take the time to listen to the responses?
Do we know our children? Do we take the time to be with them?
One of the greatest models of asking questions is our Savior
Jesus Christ. Our Savior asked a ton of questions in the
scriptures. Altogether, about 80 of the questions Jesus asked are
“how” and “why” questions. He asked questions like “Why do
you doubt?” and “Why are you thinking these things?”
As you scroll through the questions Jesus asked, there aren’t
many that could have a “Yes” or “No” answer. They go beyond
the superficial “How are you doing” and “What do you do”
questions that we typically start with.
On numerous occasions, Jesus would ask questions like “What
do you want?” and “Why do you call me good?” These are
questions Jesus asked that require the person to honestly think
before responding. They likely can’t be answered quickly.
One of the things that prevent so many of us from asking good
questions is that it feels like we are too hurried. If we ask
open-ended questions and are genuinely interested in their
answers, this means we need to have time for people.
Jesus, who had the most critical responsibility and task of
anyone to ever walk this planet, was able to spend time going
deep with family, friends, and sometimes even strangers. Do you
have the time to do this?
Great parents remain curious. They want to know how and why
things work, understand how and why people are the way they
are, etc. What stands out to me even more, though, is that Jesus
was not only fully man but also fully God. Jesus was
omniscient, all-knowing. So, in one sense, Jesus didn’t have to
ask curiosity questions. He already knew everything! And yet,
He still did!
Why did he do this? To help us. To help us discover what we
believe. To help us learn more about ourselves. To help us grow
in faith. We can do the same for our children.
Words Matter
When Jacob was four, we lived in Texas for grad school, about
two hours away from Nick’s parents. One Easter, we drove to
visit them. When Jacob exited the car and ran up to his
grandparents, Nick’s father told him, “Wow Jacob, it looks like
you grew another foot.” Jacob, looking down at his two feet
replied, “Nope, I still only have two.”
When I was at the conference yesterday, I turned to my
colleague Brooke. Brooke is incredible. She is one of the
smartest people I know, and she also has one of the kindest
hearts I know. Last year she married Aaron, the love of her life
and gained six children (ages 9-19) overnight. I asked her what
she has learned about parenting this last year and half, and she
said that one of the most important things she has learned is that
“words matter.”
When she first started dating Aaron, and after she was
introduced to his kids, she made it a habit to write index cards to
the children, writing about how she noticed them do something
or how she felt about them. Those index cards meant something
to the children, and though it can be a challenge to do, she still
finds herself doing them now.
I’ve been thinking about that a lot, especially in relation to how
our Heavenly Parents talk to us and our Savior, and about us too.
In Matthew 3:17 we read, “And lo a voice from heaven, saying,
This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.”
As a child, and even as an adult, there is nothing I want to hear
more than that my parents are well pleased with me, and that I
am beloved. When was the last time we talked to our children
about what we love about them?
I know that when I am composing a work email, or a document
for publication, that I am very careful in how I choose my
words. I think about different meanings, how my audience might
react, and what my intention is. Do I take the same care when
I’m talking to my own children?
What words children hear over and over again about themselves
can become their own self-identity. Are we telling our children
that it is ok to make mistakes, that we can try and do better, and
that they matter to us? Or do we put other adults before them,
and worry about how they reflect on us? What words do we
want our children to define themselves by?
Express Love Freely
The most important thing we can do as parents is to express
love freely. I love my children. I love my children so very much.
I know my Heavenly Father and my Heavenly Mother love me
so very much. I know that when I fall short, my Heavenly
Parents do not withhold their love, wanting to teach me a lesson.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught: “The first great commandment
of all eternity is to love God with all of our heart, might, mind,
and strength—that’s the first great commandment. But the first
great truth of all eternity is that God - that is our Heavenly
Father and Heavenly Mother - loves us with all of their heart,
might, mind, and strength.”
All I know about parenting is love.
What I know about my Savior is love.
What I know about my Heavenly Parents is love. That is how
the Spirit teaches me - through their love. That is how I want to
teach and parent my children - through my love, my Savior’s
love, and through my Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother’s
love. I know that when I do this, when I envelop my children in
love, that they can feel that, hear it, and move forward with it.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: “It is not possible for you to sink
lower than the infinite light of Christ’s [atoning sacrifice]
shines.”
I would add that it is not possible for us to sink lower, or be far
enough away from our Heavenly Parents’ love - it can always
reach us. That we need to follow our Heavenly Parents’ example
and be a beacon of that love for our children.
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